full circle

My attraction to The Church has

meandered a bit.

As a youth, it was a curiositypeople go inside of a building to hear words and play music and they call this holy or meaningful or special?

All I knew was the joy of the wind in my hair, the sand under my feet and the natural sense of awe at the setting sun.

As a teenager, it was an anchorI will cling to the church, its beliefs-rituals-assurances and thus take a moral high ground.

My family, as I had known it, imploded and scattered to the wind.

In my twenties, it didn’t existf*ck yoU-there-is-no-god-for-me-but-me-and-I’ll-do-as-I-please-thank-you-not:

I wanted experience, and I wanted it hard and fast – until I didn’t.

In my thirties,  it provided useful contrast: I want peace, not promises built on the words of others.  What am I?  what is knowable and what is unknowable? What is freedom?

Am I coming full circle?  Are we as a species coming full circle?

All I can know is my experience.  Experience such as the wind in my hair, the sand under my feet and the joy of the setting sun.Lighthouse

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I remember

And then the being who agreed to play my daughter in this life began a conversation with me in the swing between worlds.  In a feeling of divine union, we expressed as one:

This experience is the mutual unfolding of the one heart we share.  The learnings of mother daughter pale in comparison to the unity we know ourselves to be.
This unity is brought into deep focus now for mother in the apparent time/space continuum as it presently exists on earth (it is already in focus for daughter).  As a result we are nourished by our knowledge of the truth of our nature.  We express no fear or lack of trust in our relatingship because our knowing is so complete.  Surrendering to the wisdom of each moment leads us to the next piece of our awareness and serves to strengthen and expand our focus.  The vistas opening up for us now are filled with such gentleness and clarity.  As each of us expresses from the heighth of our knowledge in each moment, understanding naturally blossoms.  Mommy knows to let daughter’s light lead the way.  Apparent conflicts and tensions melt in the light of this heart knowing.  The flow of love between us is a nourishing current that touches all who observe our interactions.  Not caring what the interactions look like on the outside, adherence to the one heart and the divine compulsions of this alignment eclipse fear and suspicion.  We are free!  We are free to be!  We Are!

Thank you, dearest friend, for this opportunity to be in the oneness with you now.  I Love you!  Now, Let’s go play with the goose poop!

Pirate up!

Today is a great day to “Pirate up!” I say!  to sweet the dust bunnies from my consciousness and allow my heart to lead me in the path of my knowing.  I am noticing I said “my truth”, for truly, I can know no other.  My experience is mine, and your experience is yours.  We have different paths, perhaps, yet the same heart!  This connection is so pure and so potent in its intent:  love!

 

Today I am grateful for love without conditions.  Today I pirate up and claim my self for myself.  And you are included in this love, for there is no other.

 

animated images dollz 12

lost and found

I lost my attachment to belief in “right” and “wrong” in my 35th year.  That burden lifted when I decided that I didn’t have to take life at face value – that I could indeed live my life through feeling.  This blossoming from belief to knowing (sometimes that I don’t know) was brought about by my first pregnancy and delivery.  I knew I wanted to offer my daughter something different than what I felt I was offered by my parents and their parents and so on and so on.  I just didn’t know what. 

“This wasn’t supposed to happen to me,” I complained about my postpartum depression to the counselor.  “Who are you for this NOT to have happened to you?” was her effective reply.  Nancy is her name.  Thank you, Nancy.

Who did I think I was?  Well, that I was defining myself through limiting thought, AT ALL, I experienced, was the opportunity to know what I wanted/want to offer my child.  I had built a personality to specifically AVOID experiencing embarrassment or inflicting trauma on others – inadvertently or not!  That wasn’t working so well – not just the embarrassment, but the whole building up and maintaining of a personality of avoidance in the first place.  And I determined I would mirror for my child the living being ness of defining life according to the truth of my Essential nature to the best of my ability in each moment. 

But first things first, I needed to feel (and to practice again and again).    This primacy of feeling was and is hard won (no pun intended) since it means that I am letting go of the conditioning that I have imposed upon myself.  To admit fully that I am the author of my life and the only ONE who can determine the quality of my experience including the memories seemed daunting. 

I asked for help.

 

I received help.

 

I met a teacher named Toni Petrinovich through a mutual friend and enrolled in the Meta yoU course that she offers through her website http://www.sacredspaceswa.com.  

I also asked for a soul reading and an initiation into the Presence of my Essence.  These life changing events set me on the course to feeling.  I learned from Toni, and am learning from myself that feeling into what is happening for me moment to moment is the place to start. 

As I rely on my physical and spiritual senses and strengthen that reliance,  I am able to access the truth that perception, as a synonym for significance, is mine to bestow.  Only through feeling I am able to summon the integrity of my honesty – as in “how do I want to feel?” and to exercise that honesty as the presence of my Essence in the world.

Today, on August 31st, 2012, I am grateful for the loss of innocence (belief) and the birth of knowing.  To find that I need no love, approval or appreciation from others – only my Self –  and then to express from that place is my story and the legacy that I AM.   And it is a no-thing.

 

 

all simply is

Before incarnating on the dense polarity of the earth plane, I decide for purposes of expansion and adventure I want to experience what it is like to feel earthly amnesia and then remember my true nature as  essential self.   Wonderous spiritual prosperity and expansion are sure from this perspective.  I choose the ancestral currents that my body will be born into well.  “Perfect,” I think to myself, “these people are strong enough to hold the vibration of forgetting without becoming totally lost.  I cannot wait to play the role of daughter and granddaughter to these amazing men and women and to record in my soul’s plane so much love, compassion, absolution, truth, generosity.”  I then allow myself the honor of diving into the climates of dense polarity that hold my earth family’s vibrational frequencies.

  The archetype of the Savior becomes my ally early on in this pursuit of “forgetting”.  I lean deep into the patterns of unconscious entanglement in the belief that giving my power away will ensure that I am rewarded with salvation.  I become committed to living through beliefs generated by the mind.  Every institution in my life supports this exercise:  my family, school, church, social net.  I suffer and feel the misery of ignoring my heart.  I learn to like suffering and then wearing a mask over my suffering for the approval I receive from all of these institutions.  From my Soul’s perspective things are going very well for me.  I am learning what it feels like to allow mental concepts to run the show of my life.  Right/Wrong, Near/Far, Good/Bad, Up/Down, Cause/Effect.   Though I naturally feel interference from my heart’s ability to break through the monotony of mind-control, the overall tenor of life is discomfort.   Again, from my souls’ perspective, all is well.  But then something happens, my addiction to the Savior archetype turns out to have hidden benefits.  It puts my mind’s restlessness on a journey that exposes me to beings that are saving themselves through absolution and self-love.  Now my experience has elements of and truth and fearlessness woven in.  I begin to see and feel and experience that I have free will choice.    This affords me great strength and I move forward in life with gusto embracing both conscious and unconscious aspects. My heart continues to betray the collective consciousness in me by noticing persons whose lives resonate with joy and peace, patience and kindness.  I gather strength from their lives and vibrations.

Finally I am strong enough to hold myself through birthing my first child.  I am aware of archetypal forces that move through me and I am aware of my heart’s strength and ability to choose.  The stage is set.  I am ready to look at my mind’s belief in “life as challenge” by becoming deeply imbalanced in the postpartum period following my child’s birth.  I am ready to save myself.   I find myself alternately choosing between the addiction to my story and the truth of my immortal nature.  Many earthly beings and many incorporeal beings gather to support this great unwinding.  The momentum of my story is sooo alluring, the benefits so very clear.  Yet my ability to focus on my heart is taking on greater and greater dimension.  There is no winner or loser and there is no right or wrong in this venture, yet I see and feel the consequences of my focus.  The part of me that is knowing I AM ONE sees how those around me suffer, sees how needlessly I struggle and gasp.   My Soul learns short hand dictation to keep up with the apparent speed of information and chaos.  My child as an information stream is so bright, so focused, so generously glorious and loving that she catalyzes me into transmutation.  I remember in spite of my beliefs.  I remember because my beliefs are so limiting that contrast is inevitable.  “Life as challenge” follows me around a bit – like a lost puppy, and yet it loses its steam, or rather it simply melts away.  In this melting I AM revealed and the wisdom and learning garnered propel me into a paradigm of my own choosing:  Life as ease, Life as grace, Life as I AM.  I AM born again.  I remember my essential unity, my Oneness and this connection bridges the body and the spirit into living paradox.  All simply is.

one and the same

Then the being playing my father and I spoke as One, saying  “I cannot wait to experience this time with you.  It is very important for us in this incarnation to understand our personal, relevant truth as well as to allow and honor the relative truth of each being in our path.  We deeply want to experience a sense of connection with our truth as it unfolds moment to moment, and so we will take ourself deep into concepts and beliefs that will cloud inner clarity so that we may develop humility and humor.   We will remember that any uncomfortable circumstances that we create together have no thing to do with anyone.  Because the I AM that WE ARE an integral part of is  so full of desire to experience feelings of separation and limitation in order to know what compassion, humility and absolution feel like in the realm of contrast, we will take the “plot” and characters seriously until we don’t.  What we are knowing in this now, in this very moment, is that this is all play.  Absorbing and distracting as it may be,  we are knowing that it is only one side of the coin of All That Is.  We are now choosing to see Spirit as embodied in every person, place, thing, emotion, mental concept, physical pain and so on, and that they are one and the same and their appearance transient.   Since spirit is timeless and deathless (and the essence of matter, of all that is manifest), there is no more need to remain in dual perception only.  This is all happening very quickly for us right now.  There is  no longer taking any drama,  and the dream of illusion is not taken to heart.   Though life may appear to go on as usual – the ups and the downs of a contrasting polar experience, we have now become our own authority, our own self-possessed being.  We declare our truth to ourself and feel the way through life fearlessly.  What I want to say to you in this moment is:  Thank you.  Thank you for entering this timeline and playing the role of  father and daughter. Because of this, the I AM expanding my self-definition to include and concurrently move beyond limitation and lack.  I may or may not be able to acknowledge and support you in your endeavors.  None of that matters.  My experiences are mind and have infinite value to me.  Know that I honor you, and from this vantage point we are all having such a good time!   I love you with all of my heart and soul for we are one and the same.”

 

 

a letter to my friend

Dear Friend,

I recently excused myself to the restroom in an educational facility on a college campus.  You wrote a message on the bathroom wall for me that read:
                                                                                “I hate how hard it is to love myself.”

I wanted to thank you for your words.  What your words stirred within me is the remembrance of feeling like I am not enough but not the experience.  You see, what I’m finding to be true for me these days is the statement: “how hard it is to NOT love myself” or “I love how easy it is to love my self.” 

The seeming gulf between these statements is only bridgeable, for me, by first getting a glimpse of and then maintaining my steady and unswerving focus on the self of which we speak. 

When I remember the self of which we speak is One, I am fearless.

When I remember the self of which we speak is always present, I am supported.

When I remember the self of which we speak asks nothing of me, I am at peace.

When I remember the self of which we speak knows no sense of limitation, I am free.

When I remember the self of which we speak holds no grudges, I am boundless.

When I remember I have chosen to disregard my self, I am absolution. 

I AM when I know that I have choice.

I AM when I know the whole is me whether I like it or not, judge it or not, and concurrently,

I AM when I know  I am no person, place or thing.

I AM when I rely on my heart’s voice to guide me fearlessly.

I am you, my friend, and I am me.  We are the one self of which we speak and whether we have an easy or hard time is our choice in the moment.  We are both that self.  We are both free to be.  We are the I AM.

it’s about time

A being who has agreed to be my mother pulls me aside before we begin our adventure, saying “It is my joy to perform this role for you during this physical experiencing of Katie Hart. I will gladly do as you ask by providing you with experiences rooted in fear, limitation, competition, mental domination, escapism and denial. I am very eager to further develop non-judgment, compassion, absolution, joy and unconditional love – encoding these qualities in my soul’s experience. Thank you for promising to remember with me. To take yourself into the dual world and feel the effects of the deep disorientation that comes from aligning with your personality’s whims and to re-align yourself with the Divine Presence within. I will be watching very closely, for I want to observe what goes into this excavation. You are doing this for yourself and you are doing this for the All. Know that I am your greatest cheerleader in this lifetime and that my love for you knows no bounds. It is eternal. Remember when you feel triggered that 1) you are agreeing with a reality that is no longer true for you and 2) you are judging an aspect of yourself as more real than all of the others. You are always in perfect balance, as am I. As our minds play with this world’s energies, never forget that I am playing the role that you have asked of me. Never forget that I AM love. I AM Divine. I AM the All That Is. And, Katie, I love you.

Now, we will visit together on July 27, 2012 in close physical proximity. Remember everything we talked about. This will be a different visit due to all the knowledge that has been gained thus far on your journey. This visit will be characterized by a feeling of levity or lightheartedness and deep remembrance of All That I AM. Its tensions and conflicts will pass without a hitch as the I AM that I AM comes into deep focus. An effortless sense of unity will allow for all to feel safe and content with their own body and process. Humor will be on the menu as well. It is a new platform from which to relate. It is about time.”

I remember, 2

. . . continued . . .

“What am I?”, I found myself asking and answering:

“You are the Immortal Beloved”, answers a voice within.

The voice continues: “You are the Immortal Beloved and we have anticipated this time always. It was always meant to be that you would come to the knowledge of your Oneness in this lifetime. Eons ago an idea was born from and into the Heart of All That Is. This idea bore wings in the shape of beings who would be present in this time/space fracturing on earth for the precise purpose of remembering. You are one of these since you hear the call to respond. We have always been and will always be One”.

…to be continued…