more explorations of grief and shame.

HI. It’s me again. I just posted and more reflections are pouring in. Most of us come here as spiritual explorers who want to apply universal laws to our lives, once we realize that we can play this human game here on a level playing field. Before that time, or hiding is too intense to allow that we could have a say in how we experience our own life.

So . . . it’s getting personal. If you follow this blog, you see I sort of let it all hang out. I don’t benefit from repressing or over-sharing, so I’ll try and keep it relevant.

Why did I allow for a change in plans – oh yes, I’m talking about my failed trip again – to visit sooner rather than later? Was it excitement? Wanting to ride the wave of my beloved’s willing participation? Needing to see my friend before she became too sick for a visit? Wanting to avoid waiting in which the uncertainty of her health status would continue to weigh on me?

How much support did I truly need for this trip? As it came closer, I became accutely aware that I needed the support of a good night’s sleep – which was denied me two nights in a row. It was becoming a “thing”. To sleep or not to sleep! That is a question!

I reasoned that eventually I would have to sleep. But to try and sleep when you are now worried about sleeping, so you have the strength to grieve and make a long trip and make sure your kids have a decent time . . . it is now a feature of the trip. One that I had hoped would resolve, but didn’t.

when my family travels to Brazil, there is often a long trip where we are not getting so much rest as we normally enjoy. Yet there is the promise of the children being entertained by relatives and loud cartoons from the cartoon network – streamed worldwide now and in english – and day trips to entertaining beaches and tourist spots. There is the Aunt and cousin who are at the ready with food/lodging/comforts and energy to bounce around with young ones. There is a sense of security that they are healthy and have life yet to live.

Ah! expectations, projections, the realities of travel, the rigors of a family en route – anywhere – I digress.

The shame of having spent so much time hiding and holding untruths within. Of being a part of generations of alcoholic thinkers – a part of the puzzle that brings light and hope and peace. To walk humbly.

I now have understanding why my parent said they did not go to their mother’s funeral. I totally get it. I totally get it.

Just when I think I cannot walk a mile in other’s shoes. Just when I think I understand humility, more and more blessed layers reveal themselves. Why not go all the way? Why not live with my head in the Lion’s mouth?

A toast to sticking your head in the Lion’s mouth and keeping it there!

To a Friend

Dear Friend,

I remember you from our childhood adventures and misadventures. You have reached out to me, and you have indicated that you may not have much more time here. I want to reassure you that you are safe, in essence. You will allow the flesh to fall away eventually, as we all will, as we all do. This suit is quite fantastical, isn’t it? Quite a hypnosis with the ferocious input from the senses that tell us “I Am alive, I Am Here!”

While those senses may scream us out the door, when we go, we cannot take them with us. They have not value and usage where we are going.

They are a final frontier to the great unknown, which can only be navigated by an inner compass that you already possess. This is no trite thing. This is the core of you, the Heart, the Voice of your Soul that can guide, you know. It is here for us to whisper us home. As we gradually attune to its still resonance, we can retreat from any physical sensory input, knowing that all that we love and old dear is a part of us and made up of spiritual essence, as well. The essence of all you love awaits for you, and doesn’t mourn that you are no longer staying in the physical. Tune into this essence, which holds the record, bears the record, of all that you truly are, beyond your imagination and before words.

There are worlds awaiting you, some you have glimpsed in dreams, that welcome your return to their embrace. Allow this embrace to guide your journeying. Be yourself hugged home. You are not alone. Your life, your coming and your going, whenever that moment arises, is important. It matters. It matters that you came and it matters that you stayed for so very long – often times longer than you even wanted to stay.

Feel the loving caresses of all that serves your unfoldment in this moment, no matter what it looks like. Do not miss your life, look forward to a new life, where the cast of characters only appears to change, as your soul family rearranges itself into a new configuration for play.

More sunshine, more hugs and kisses, more family and friendship, more tactile pleasure and, yes, even more pain to overcome. It is all within you as you plant a beautiful seed of Remembrance whilst reemerging into your spiritual glory. I envy you, at a certain level. And part of me accompanies you and part of me waits for you beyond the veil. We are that magnanimous, huge, and omnipresent. Let me be your guide and tell you that your beauty can be breathed before you in a continuous loop of engagement with your Heart. This will envelop you as you journey into the full awareness of the light you already are. Your heart knows. It has always known. It will always know. It is You.

Blessings, Blessings, Blessings, Soul-One, in the name of the One Heart,

Your fellow sojourner

Shades of Grief

Photo by Iva Muu0161kiu0107 on

We all come here believing we are separated from our Source at birth and are left to defend ourselves from a sometimes hostile world. We learn that “it is just the way it is” and march forth, soldier on, as best we can.

We are often inculcated into the belief systems of our culture and family – many of them very helpful to becoming grounded in the earth plane. Yet at one point do the beliefs become like poisonous kool-aid?

Beliefs that separate you from your sense of being, the knowledge that “I exist” and am allowed to reach for my well-being, moment to moment. We each have an inner compass known as our feelings and intuitions. What gets in the way is when we are up against the polarizing game known as “black and white” or “good vs. bad”. How can you, after all, have one without the other? How can feelings and thoughts be anything but an exploration of polarity and duality? Yet we are told to “get with the program” in so many words, and that these important attributes are somehow wrong, inconvenient.

Every organism thrives in coherency, a type of homeostasis that is actually not “static” at all, but resting in the neutrality of the wave form that has both a crest and a trough. Remove either one and you have a straight line, or plateau, which doesn’t occur here in this vibratory reality where everything from the concept of time to elementary particles contain motion, i.e., move.

We know this. Even when our senses betray us, we can feel the nature of everything is to move and expand – to make way for something new, a new iteration.

Only a being of high awareness and integrity, the One, the Ineffable, pure awareness or Ground of Being could host such phenomenon as duality and multiplicity across time, playing so very many roles.

Where we run into problems and drink poison laced “kool-aid” is when we become fixed on the mountaintop or the valley. We become fixed on seeing ourselves as unable to handle our lives capably. We become fixed on playing a role, which is often hero or villain, Bad guy or good guy when the reality of our experience could be met fresh. We could be open to nuance and subtlety once in the possession of our selves.

I think that is meant with the expression “shades of grey”. It is an attempt to blend the idea of extremes of anything, to walk a middle way – to take a leap of faith into presence, leaving the conditioning of the ages to reorganize . . . to more presence.

Of course, this presence is what we are, devoid of conditions, as a precursor to embodiment and worded reality, just spend some time uncovering this truth by questioning everything – meditating on the no-thing, discovering the light of truth within.

We give it away, unknowingly, little by little in an effort to conform to our reality. It is part of “earth game” 2.0!!!

When you begin to win yourself back, you are declaring a major upgrade, you know!

Did you know that every negative event can be a catalyst for reclaiming your eternal and omnipresent (present everywhere) presence? I’ve even heard it called an acceleration. We are catching up to our true speed, and we have to pedal faster for a while to generate the new light quotient until we plateau again to enjoy the view!

So it is with grief. Every loss leads to new gain, simply because it is part of a wave form. Of course if you view a loss as an expansion, as the Angels do, you may be able to leap whereas before you trod. You may do both!

How would you like to experience your waveform experience? You may be invited to find new ways to move – fast, slow, inward, outward, wiggling, squiggling, up and down. Maybe you can enjoy the ride? Yes.

You are learning to dis identify with the topography of whatever life is showing up as. Then it feels, breath by breath, like the presence of you expanding and the unknown beckoning kindly.

We can also go kicking and screaming. We can also do both.

There is no right or wrong way to refuse the kool aid and to drink our divinity down to the depths of our toes.

Fourth of July Freedom

There is a type of freedom that is for the body/personality and a freedom for the soul. In the former, we celebrate many many things. That in our country you can live, work, raise a family, heal, grow, and learn.

These freedoms are ones which many times we take for granted : good health, a nice job that supports housing and food needs, relative economic and political stability, freedom from having to think a certain way, “or else” and the freedom to trust.

There is also the freedom of soul, or incarnation, which is the gift of time to discover our timeless nature – the gift of a body to discover the essence which supports it all and the gift of personality that teaches us about impersonal love.

Both of these Freedoms can be celebrated today, though to really celebrate is an inner attribute. It is inner because no-one an give it or take it from you. The aptitude of freedom of focus, freedom of attention is one that is inborn, yet also, in many cases, can be trained for greater expansiveness in living.

Expansive living is a way of acknowledging life as new in each moment, and as your inner terrain refreshed constantly by your essence, the quality of the still small voice experienced as All, Ground of Being, God, what you wish to call IT, the ineffable. The still small voice, the quietness, can be used by mind to correlate the body as the universe itself, as in “as above, so below”.

This subtle sense must be so in order for it to be felt to be everywhere and all at once and ineffable and outside time while encompassing time, and while totally connected with the physical corollary: the breath.

Can you feel this? Then we are not persons relating, we are IT, acknowledging itself in the multitude. The One in the many. That is a freedom that rings for me, generously. It is as if I Am a flute and my breathing is a song that reaches the soul song of anyone who is attuned to this truth, because we are the same.

This sameness where individuality can flourish because it is not taken so seriously, because a multidimensional seeing takes it as it comes, facing it all with equanimity. Playing each note, each moment, in turn, creates melody. This melody harmonizes with all melodies everywhere, somehow. Symphony. Symphonic freedom.

This is what I wish for myself, my family and community, my country, my world and my universe.

From the heart of the One,

Katie Hart