Turning the dial on the radio this morning, looking for nothing in particular, I landed on the 10am Catholic Radio spot for Sister Mary. She was discussing Mercy. I tuned in with my whole heart to an almost offhand comment she made. She said it takes a big heart to forgive and an even bigger heart to forget. “That’s it!” my heart beamed, “that’s a piece of your puzzle.”
You see, I had been stuck in remembering the actions of someone close to me that affected me deeply. I was remembering the bitterness of the moment and the anger and hurt and confusion. It seemed to be a moment crystallized in time – one that was the container for many similar moments where my tender heart was schooled in the vibrational offerings available on this planet.
I want to forgive and forget this experience – forget not in a mental concept sort of way, but in an absolution sort of way. To absolve, resolve, dissolve the chords of fear and anger that keep me connected to, well, fear and anger. Where do I turn? I turn within. I will sit in silence with an absolution ritual from http://www.sacredspaceswa.com that I have memorized.
But one more point is worth making – actually, several points are worth making, to me: 1) anger and bitterness have their place. What do I mean by this? In the School of Life, I have been introduced and have embraced the phenomenons known as suppression and repression. I have all too often glossed over hurtful events in my life in an effort to control the environment and to therefore “fit in”. Sort of like “if I don’t admit it to myself, it didn’t happen”, or I don’t have to deal with it. The opposite has also been true. I have also thought that if I stare long and hard enough at the moment, event, person, et.al, that I can focus enough heat, energy, sadness, anger, whatever, to burn the event up – to make it combust and not exist. Or perhaps to burn through the anger using anger. I have given myself enough time with the efforts of extreme in this manner to discover that it doesn’t work in the long run. The law of resonance says that what I deny I attract and what I admit to, I attract.
There’s a middle of the road approach, and that is what I am coming to now.
2) At the other end of the spectrum, I never want to forget. You know the saying “forgive and forget” – the all too often speak easy platitude that is the platform of the spiritually hungry? I am spiritually full, and intend to stay that way. I intend to remember, to not forget, my self. If there is a jewel in the difficult situation, which there always is, and most times there are several depending on my state of awareness, it is that I am my keeper. I am the only one who can experience and declare my truth to myself, for myself. Emotional honest is a luxury I CAN afford. It costs me apparent worldliness. It costs me the reliance on exterior appearances for my sense of safety and well-being. It costs me every thing. This is precisely what I want. For no “thing” can contain my truth. My truth is personal and subjective and mine. My connection to it is all that I truly have. It is all that I truly am – this connection, and I reach for it in times of difficulty or stress. I reach for it in times of joy and peace. My life is becoming synonymous, now, with joy and peace.
3) my friendships are created and dissolved through emotional attachment, only. Dear _____________(- person that I’ve known for decades), I love you and yet I don’t want to spend much time with you. Isn’t that strange? I’ve decided to make good friends with my heart and to be my own keeper and to take responsibility for myself and to experience and radiate my worthiness and to be aware of my thoughts and feelings and emotions and to focus my energy and attention on expanding my awareness and developing my capacity for unconditional love and compassion. I have, in part because of you, devoted much time and effort and taken great pains to recover the aspects of myself that I have ignored. And know that though I have unending gratitude towards you for the role you have played in my life, a role of contrast, I’m just going to move along now to what feels good and right and beautiful to me. Thank you and goodbye, for now.
4) the mercy I extend to others is the mercy I feel for myself.
5) I don’t care about objective truth. I’ve had enough with rational thought or with considering the opinions of others. They can never matter to me. My relationship to my truth is the only thing I have in common with anyone and my clarity in this matter involves both my head and my heart.
Yes, friend,we are one, and yet, paradoxically, and just as important, we are individual. My individuality is my salvation, for it is the meeting ground for communion.
I see that I am making friends with paradox, that is the culmination of this post.