I lost my attachment to belief in “right” and “wrong” in my 35th year. That burden lifted when I decided that I didn’t have to take life at face value – that I could indeed live my life through feeling. This blossoming from belief to knowing (sometimes that I don’t know) was brought about by my first pregnancy and delivery. I knew I wanted to offer my daughter something different than what I felt I was offered by my parents and their parents and so on and so on. I just didn’t know what.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen to me,” I complained about my postpartum depression to the counselor. “Who are you for this NOT to have happened to you?” was her effective reply. Nancy is her name. Thank you, Nancy.
Who did I think I was? Well, that I was defining myself through limiting thought, AT ALL, I experienced, was the opportunity to know what I wanted/want to offer my child. I had built a personality to specifically AVOID experiencing embarrassment or inflicting trauma on others – inadvertently or not! That wasn’t working so well – not just the embarrassment, but the whole building up and maintaining of a personality of avoidance in the first place. And I determined I would mirror for my child the living being ness of defining life according to the truth of my Essential nature to the best of my ability in each moment.
But first things first, I needed to feel (and to practice again and again). This primacy of feeling was and is hard won (no pun intended) since it means that I am letting go of the conditioning that I have imposed upon myself. To admit fully that I am the author of my life and the only ONE who can determine the quality of my experience including the memories seemed daunting.
I asked for help.
I received help.
I met a teacher named Toni Petrinovich through a mutual friend and enrolled in the Meta yoU course that she offers through her website http://www.sacredspaceswa.com.
I also asked for a soul reading and an initiation into the Presence of my Essence. These life changing events set me on the course to feeling. I learned from Toni, and am learning from myself that feeling into what is happening for me moment to moment is the place to start.
As I rely on my physical and spiritual senses and strengthen that reliance, I am able to access the truth that perception, as a synonym for significance, is mine to bestow. Only through feeling I am able to summon the integrity of my honesty – as in “how do I want to feel?” and to exercise that honesty as the presence of my Essence in the world.
Today, on August 31st, 2012, I am grateful for the loss of innocence (belief) and the birth of knowing. To find that I need no love, approval or appreciation from others – only my Self – and then to express from that place is my story and the legacy that I AM. And it is a no-thing.