lost and found

I lost my attachment to belief in “right” and “wrong” in my 35th year.  That burden lifted when I decided that I didn’t have to take life at face value – that I could indeed live my life through feeling.  This blossoming from belief to knowing (sometimes that I don’t know) was brought about by my first pregnancy and delivery.  I knew I wanted to offer my daughter something different than what I felt I was offered by my parents and their parents and so on and so on.  I just didn’t know what. 

“This wasn’t supposed to happen to me,” I complained about my postpartum depression to the counselor.  “Who are you for this NOT to have happened to you?” was her effective reply.  Nancy is her name.  Thank you, Nancy.

Who did I think I was?  Well, that I was defining myself through limiting thought, AT ALL, I experienced, was the opportunity to know what I wanted/want to offer my child.  I had built a personality to specifically AVOID experiencing embarrassment or inflicting trauma on others – inadvertently or not!  That wasn’t working so well – not just the embarrassment, but the whole building up and maintaining of a personality of avoidance in the first place.  And I determined I would mirror for my child the living being ness of defining life according to the truth of my Essential nature to the best of my ability in each moment. 

But first things first, I needed to feel (and to practice again and again).    This primacy of feeling was and is hard won (no pun intended) since it means that I am letting go of the conditioning that I have imposed upon myself.  To admit fully that I am the author of my life and the only ONE who can determine the quality of my experience including the memories seemed daunting. 

I asked for help.

 

I received help.

 

I met a teacher named Toni Petrinovich through a mutual friend and enrolled in the Meta yoU course that she offers through her website http://www.sacredspaceswa.com.  

I also asked for a soul reading and an initiation into the Presence of my Essence.  These life changing events set me on the course to feeling.  I learned from Toni, and am learning from myself that feeling into what is happening for me moment to moment is the place to start. 

As I rely on my physical and spiritual senses and strengthen that reliance,  I am able to access the truth that perception, as a synonym for significance, is mine to bestow.  Only through feeling I am able to summon the integrity of my honesty – as in “how do I want to feel?” and to exercise that honesty as the presence of my Essence in the world.

Today, on August 31st, 2012, I am grateful for the loss of innocence (belief) and the birth of knowing.  To find that I need no love, approval or appreciation from others – only my Self –  and then to express from that place is my story and the legacy that I AM.   And it is a no-thing.

 

 

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August 29, 2012

The morning of August 29, 2012, I awaken to my intuitive awareness of unity, oneness.  Fear is forever dissolved as it never truly existed, and the spaces in the cells of my being are open to multidimensional awareness activated by my 12 strand DNA.  The beliefs, concepts, opinions, ideologies, identities, attachments and passing whims and fancies of mind’s chimera are seen through and the result is a radical silence within:  no more fear.  I “hear”  I AM that I AM course through my blood and I deLight in the in breath and out breath’s flow.  During the night my Self in all of my various guises –  angels, soul “mates”, masters and guardians, my own high and or “low” aspects aided a divine acceleration ignited by my free will and erased the illusion of separation within my physical body forever.  My life is an ode of gratitude to this transformation as the sharing of creative love expresses itself with effortless joy!

Review, introduction

Some people collect tea cups, I collect words.  I have several journals  my house that I sometimes write in and sometimes refer to.  Reading and writing in this way refreshes my spirit.  I immensely enjoy looking over old entries to see how I allowed some perceived problem to dissolve making room for more subtle information to land in my physical body, the house of my soul.  Just this morning I read through an old entry from before my child Arthur’s birth, and the sentiments expressed feel miles and miles away.  The perspective gleaned from the process of looking at what I felt was troubling me at the moment is priceless:  I AM my own mother, my own father, my own sister and brother.  When I replenish myself and care for myself, then I have nothing to ask from anybody or anything and concurrently have my sacred presence to offer every “person, place and thing”.  As living vibration, this is my conscious experience.  So this new category will house old journal entries.  It is a celebration and a reflection – an honoring of where I have been, where I may go, who I am essentially, and why I express at all. 

 

In love for love through love and because of LOVE!

The Valley Below

Good morning!  I wrote this poem as a reminder to myself to slow down and take it easy.  To breathe and simply “be” when I have the urge to hurry up or “figure things out”.  Reminding myself to take it easy nourishes my soul.

The Valley Below

The top of the hill

The crest of the crest

I want to feel the best

Always best!

The valley below

Doesn’t seem so much fun

I don’t want to walk

But to fly and to run!

“Yet wait” my soul beckons

“Take a closer look

Come sit in the shade

And throw stones in the brook.

Here in the valley

The air’s not so thin

Take a rest from your thoughts

Feel the breeze on your skin. . .

There’s not so much rush –

For we take things slow

Upon closer look

In the valley below

Come!  Watch the grass grow!”

“To always exist in “the high” in “the know”

Keeps life’s laces tied tight and no room to grow

Here on the ground we give you permission

To put all that over drive “in commission”

IN and OUT, simply to breathe

To forget, for a while, any need to believe

  

Rest, Dear Heart, rest deeply for sure

no need to ask questions or  race for the cure

Let your beating heart

be your only allure!”

 

all simply is

Before incarnating on the dense polarity of the earth plane, I decide for purposes of expansion and adventure I want to experience what it is like to feel earthly amnesia and then remember my true nature as  essential self.   Wonderous spiritual prosperity and expansion are sure from this perspective.  I choose the ancestral currents that my body will be born into well.  “Perfect,” I think to myself, “these people are strong enough to hold the vibration of forgetting without becoming totally lost.  I cannot wait to play the role of daughter and granddaughter to these amazing men and women and to record in my soul’s plane so much love, compassion, absolution, truth, generosity.”  I then allow myself the honor of diving into the climates of dense polarity that hold my earth family’s vibrational frequencies.

  The archetype of the Savior becomes my ally early on in this pursuit of “forgetting”.  I lean deep into the patterns of unconscious entanglement in the belief that giving my power away will ensure that I am rewarded with salvation.  I become committed to living through beliefs generated by the mind.  Every institution in my life supports this exercise:  my family, school, church, social net.  I suffer and feel the misery of ignoring my heart.  I learn to like suffering and then wearing a mask over my suffering for the approval I receive from all of these institutions.  From my Soul’s perspective things are going very well for me.  I am learning what it feels like to allow mental concepts to run the show of my life.  Right/Wrong, Near/Far, Good/Bad, Up/Down, Cause/Effect.   Though I naturally feel interference from my heart’s ability to break through the monotony of mind-control, the overall tenor of life is discomfort.   Again, from my souls’ perspective, all is well.  But then something happens, my addiction to the Savior archetype turns out to have hidden benefits.  It puts my mind’s restlessness on a journey that exposes me to beings that are saving themselves through absolution and self-love.  Now my experience has elements of and truth and fearlessness woven in.  I begin to see and feel and experience that I have free will choice.    This affords me great strength and I move forward in life with gusto embracing both conscious and unconscious aspects. My heart continues to betray the collective consciousness in me by noticing persons whose lives resonate with joy and peace, patience and kindness.  I gather strength from their lives and vibrations.

Finally I am strong enough to hold myself through birthing my first child.  I am aware of archetypal forces that move through me and I am aware of my heart’s strength and ability to choose.  The stage is set.  I am ready to look at my mind’s belief in “life as challenge” by becoming deeply imbalanced in the postpartum period following my child’s birth.  I am ready to save myself.   I find myself alternately choosing between the addiction to my story and the truth of my immortal nature.  Many earthly beings and many incorporeal beings gather to support this great unwinding.  The momentum of my story is sooo alluring, the benefits so very clear.  Yet my ability to focus on my heart is taking on greater and greater dimension.  There is no winner or loser and there is no right or wrong in this venture, yet I see and feel the consequences of my focus.  The part of me that is knowing I AM ONE sees how those around me suffer, sees how needlessly I struggle and gasp.   My Soul learns short hand dictation to keep up with the apparent speed of information and chaos.  My child as an information stream is so bright, so focused, so generously glorious and loving that she catalyzes me into transmutation.  I remember in spite of my beliefs.  I remember because my beliefs are so limiting that contrast is inevitable.  “Life as challenge” follows me around a bit – like a lost puppy, and yet it loses its steam, or rather it simply melts away.  In this melting I AM revealed and the wisdom and learning garnered propel me into a paradigm of my own choosing:  Life as ease, Life as grace, Life as I AM.  I AM born again.  I remember my essential unity, my Oneness and this connection bridges the body and the spirit into living paradox.  All simply is.